I’ve been back home from my travels for exactly 2 weeks now.
When I got back home, I was extremely glad to be back. I had a new found love of my hometown, of the English language, of family, and most importantly, I was so glad to be able to see my boo, The Boyfriend.
He was excited to see me too. With less than a day’s notice, he went to my house and cleaned it, since I didn’t have time to do so before I left.
“Don’t worry about it, Babe.” he said, “Just pack, I’ll take care of everything while you’re gone. ” And he did. Not only did I come back to a clean home, but he had left flowers on my dining room table and a bottle of wine in the fridge! Wow.
He couldn’t be there because he had to work. But he certainly made his presence felt. The next day, which was Saturday, he stopped by and brought my car to me. He had installed a brand new radio with a DVD player to replace my worn out factory radio, that had a faulty volume control.
He had taken my mother’s clothes that were in the trunk to the dry cleaner’s.
And even though it was his 5-year-old son’s birthday and he had plans to spend the evening at a hotel water park, he had said he’d just cancel the party at 7pm so he could spend the rest of the evening with me. To that I protested and told him NOT to change his plans. His son should come first, ESPECIALLY on his birthday. We would spend time together after he finished whatever he needed to do. But for him to even want to do that, was so sweet.
He really was thoughtful. And I loved him for it. But…
Upon arriving home that first night, I wondered why the couch looked like it had been moved. So I asked him about it. He said he had moved it because it was too close to the wall.
Then, I noticed there was perfume on one of my bed pillows. Suspicious about it, I asked him who’s it was. It was mine, he told me. He had put a little on the pillow for me to have a nice scent.
He pointed out that instead of being happy about all he had done, I was looking for fault. I had annoyed him.
As the days progressed, I suppose I’ve had a lot of little complaints. When I came back to town, I was exhausted…and on my period. I just didn’t have any energy.
But I had a lot of complaints.
Eventually, we began to argue over any and everything. But all of it was a whole lot of nothing.
On this past Wednesday, he had had enough. He ended our relationship. He told me how since I had come back from my travels I had done nothing but complain. He was at his wit’s end, because I was supposed to come back from my travels refreshed and ready to really begin our relationship. He explained how he had so many other priorities pulling at him constantly, and all he wanted when he came to visit me was peace, and a little fun. But all I did was bring more stress to him.
In his talking, I really had no defense. I had no valid rebuttal. There was really nothing I could point to that would make him to blame. He had done EVERYTHING I’d wanted him to do. He had been everything I’d wanted in a man. And he had patiently waited for me to return, so that we could move in together, and get married. And have a child together. Even though he was planning to have a vasectomy when I’d first reconnected with him, he decided to wait, for my sake. He was willing to give me a child because he knew i wanted one, even though he was really done having kids.
But somewhere along the way, I forgot that this man had done all of this…for me!
He was the man I had prayed (so long ago) that God would return to my life. And God did! And this man wanted to answer all of my prayers (marriage, children, family). He was ready, willing and able to give me all of that.
But I drove him away. With my complaints. Something I’ve done so much of, as witnessed on this blog.
In addition to the weight loss, having him in my life was bringing much-needed fullness to it. But, I stopped that.
And now I sit here, dumbfounded…shocked…devastated.
How could I lose the man I’ve loved for so long, A SECOND TIME???
How could I not see what I was doing? Only to see it now that it’s too late?? I lost a great man. And I have no one to blame but myself.
Now, because of my complaining, because of my unhappiness, I have to live with the fact that I had the answer to my prayers and I let it slip through my hands, like sand.
How the hell do I ever forgive myself for THAT???
I didn’t realize just how bad my attitude had become. I guess years and years of loneliness, bitterness, resentment and disappointment in the world has caused me to be this way. And it’s been so long that it just became a part of my personality. I didn’t fully realize it. And because I didn’t, I lost the only man I can’t seem to stop loving. The depth of feeling that I have for him, I cannot describe. And I had him. He was mine…
I write this now, because this blog is supposed to be about living a redux life. I was supposed to have been getting back to my real and true self. I was supposed to have been working to renew my own spirit. But I guess I haven’t been doing a very good job of that. If I had, maybe I would have made some attitude adjustments before I lost someone so dear to me.
And knowing that I have no one to blame but myself, that’s a very hard pill to swallow.
I made a video also. I’m sharing it, but I made it for myself. I feel as though I’ve lost soooo much, at my own doing. Perhaps if I ever have the opportunity to fall in love again, I can come back and watch this video. Perhaps it will help me to never ever ever EVER EVER EVER take someone for granted again. Because the price is just too high.
I miss my love. I can’t imagine I’ll ever love anyone as much as I’ve loved him. But all I can do now is move forward…somehow.