I recently took a test that measures a person’s level of happiness. And I knew from the first question that I probably wasn’t going to do so well. The 10-question “Happiness” test, found on Oprah.com, is based on a scale of how closely the test-taker relates to the question or statement posed. The scale moves …
When I started this blog, my life seemed pretty bleak. My world was very small. I weighed 344 lbs and was anxiously waiting on a vendor to pay me for services rendered so I could take that money and pay for my weight loss surgery. I finally got paid, and had my surgery. And after …
That’s right, y’all! It’s been 6 months since I’ve had my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy surgery! And I couldn’t be happier with the results. In only 6 short months my life has been drastically changed for the better. A while back, I wrote a post about all the things I wouldn’t miss about being fat. Here’s …
I’ve been back home from my travels for exactly 2 weeks now. When I got back home, I was extremely glad to be back. I had a new found love of my hometown, of the English language, of family, and most importantly, I was so glad to be able to see my boo, The Boyfriend. He was …
My most important relationships get the most of my attention
I have a strong sense of purpose and/or I love my work.
I choose my attitude most of the time.
And so on…
52 – 67 Semi-Happy
So, how are you? Watch out for answers like “I’m fine,” “Can’t complain,” “Mustn’t grumble,” “Not so bad,” “Could be worse,” “So-so,”—enough! Yes, you are surviving, but now it’s time to start thriving! Imagine if you were to raise your happiness levels by another 10 percent immediately—what do you think you would you be doing more of, less of or differently? Being semi-happy is safe, but it’s ultimately unfulfilling. Maybe it’s time to take a risk.
Not the highest score, I’m sure. But then, it wasn’t as bad as I expected. But yeah, I do need to work on having better answers to such questions.
All in all, it was eye-opening. If you have 5 minutes to spare (AFTER reading my blog ), pop on over to Oprah’s and take the test.
Leave a comment below, and let me know how well YOU do.
When I started this blog, my life seemed pretty bleak. My world was very small. I weighed 344 lbs and was anxiously waiting on a vendor to pay me for services rendered so I could take that money and pay for my weight loss surgery.
I finally got paid, and had my surgery. And after surviving those 2 days of vomiting non-stop post-surgery, I haven’t looked back!
However, this being the last day of 2012 and all, it seems fitting to look back on the year for a recap and to discuss the lessons learned.
1) Sometimes, hitting rock bottom is a good thing.
For the first 6 months of 2012, I was in a constant state of longing for a better life. But I felt powerless to change it.
I hated my great job. I hated my boss. I hated not having any kind of a life. I hated being tired all of the time. Every day, I’d say to myself, “Tomorrow/Monday/InsertAnyArbitraryStartDateHere, I’m going to start exercising/dieting/studying/InsertAnyArbitraryGoalHere!” But that day would never come and I would never start any of my goals. It just led to a deeper and deeper spiral of depression and despair. But I never seemed to get low enough.
That is, until I finally hit my bottom. It was one single, solitary event that caused me to see that no matter where I went or what I did, I needed to make drastic changes if I ever wanted a way out of obesity and all the problems it brought. Once I made up my mind, it was only a matter of being patient and allowing the future to unfold.
2) It’s best to just be honest with yourself, and your God.
Sometimes we can make a decision with absolute certainty (like when we’ve hit rock bottom) and just start moving forward. Other times, we can know that we need to make a decision, but there is still doubt. More often than not, it’s the latter case. I’ve found myself in this predicament too many times to count! I’ve gone back and forth over career choices, education choices, etc.! What I’ve discovered though, is that when I’m honest about what I really, Really, REALLY want, the reason I sometimes can’t make a decision is because I just haven’t been honest enough with myself.
It’s scary sometimes, to actually be honest about those things we desire deep within our hearts. No one understands. Sometimes we ourselves might not understand. Yet, the truth in our hearts never lies. Never. Even if you can’t say it out loud, you should still be able to tell the truth to yourself and to God. Don’t explain it away, or rationalize why you want what you want. Sometimes you just need to honestly accept what it is you feel…and then release it into the universe.
And trust that God will help with the rest.
3) It takes time to get to the good stuff!
When I look back on this past year, I’ve had a lot of successes. A lot of blessings. I just had my 6-month surgiversary where I proudly announced having lost 89 lbs from my highest weight of 344 lbs. I can look back on who and how I used to be compared to where I am now, and I see so much growth mentally, spiritually and emotionally. But I can also now see just how much farther I still need to go in all those areas as well.
It hasn’t been an easy, coasting 6 months. Finding new ways to just be, when the old way was to eat myself into numbness, has been one emotional roller coaster after another…and it continues to be just that! But 6 months has allowed me to see such progress that for me represents a miracle. I honestly don’t know how I got to this point. I hoped for it, I prayed for it, longed for it, but to actually be where I am today? I never knew it would feel this good.
I now know it’s been the daily grind that’s gotten me here. I now understand that the place where change resides is not in some grandiose proclamation made on New Year’s Day. It’s in doing the small, quiet, patient work…every day.
I wish I had discovered this Aha! moment sooner. Perhaps I wouldn’t have had to lose some other things. Regardless, I know now that miracles can and do happen. All I have to do is show up and do the work…daily. God will take care of the rest.
4) Gratitude is key!
This one I’m still working on for sure! But I recognize (usually after the fact) that it is so extremely important to be grateful and to search daily for examples of things you can be grateful for. Not only does gratitude keep you in check so that you don’t get too far out there on the complaining limb, but gratitude is a vibration. And if you will allow it, it can help change your perspective. It can help keep you calm. It can help you keep…period!
Tomorrow, we start a new year. And for the first time in over a decade, I feel so genuinely optimistic about my future. I look forward to reaching my goal weight in 2013. I look forward to finding true, lasting love in 2013. I look forward to meeting the man with whom I’ll start my family in 2013. I look forward to more and more happiness EVERY DAY of 2013.
No more being squished in an airplane or movie theater seat
No more obsessing about food
No more physical pain in my shoulders, back, knees or legs
No more not being able to go to the restroom easily
No more wearing flats or ugly shoes because high heels are exhausting and painful
No more missing out on life
No more comparing myself to every other woman
No more feeling lazy or tired all of the time
No more not being able to keep up
No more not fitting into clothes…ALL THE TIME
No more tugging at my clothes to hide the rolls
No more being the fat person in the family
No more dreading people’s reaction when they are next to me on a plane
No more knocking over things because my butt and hips have a mind of their own
No more long showers and needing a nap after them
No more lnowing that stepping on the scale means I’ll be eating a **** ton of pasta and in a deep depression that night
No more thinking if I just lost the weight, I’d be able to tackle the world
No more society assuming I am a lazy pig
No more not chasing my dreams because the anxiety of being on display is crippling
No more wearing tights or spanks and just dying to rip them off at the end of the day
No more rarely wearing dresses
No more being the one who would rather take the picture then be in the picture
No more cankles
No more wide width shoes
No more not crossing my legs…..because I can’t
No more sitting and using my belly as a table
No more doing everything I can to avoid bending over because let’s face it, it’s freakin’ hard to get back up
No more feeling miserably ill after eating too much
No more PCOS
No more not being able to give myself a pedicure without sweating and being short of breath!
No more having to shift my weight from one hip to the next (in order to give my knees a break) when standing for any amount of time
No more knowing that ultimately, my weight gain was my own doing because I was too afraid to just be me
No more shame.
No more hopelessness!!!!
I am sooooooo happy with my progress! Sure, I still have a long way to go yet. Sure, I could have done some things better along this journey thus far. But above all, I’M NOT THE PERSON I USED TO BE!!! I’m better, healthier, happier and wiser.
If you have time, please watch my video talking about my journey thus far, and what my goals are for the next 6 months. Enjoy!
I’ve been back home from my travels for exactly 2 weeks now.
When I got back home, I was extremely glad to be back. I had a new found love of my hometown, of the English language, of family, and most importantly, I was so glad to be able to see my boo, The Boyfriend.
He was excited to see me too. With less than a day’s notice, he went to my house and cleaned it, since I didn’t have time to do so before I left.
“Don’t worry about it, Babe.” he said, “Just pack, I’ll take care of everything while you’re gone. ” And he did. Not only did I come back to a clean home, but he had left flowers on my dining room table and a bottle of wine in the fridge! Wow.
He couldn’t be there because he had to work. But he certainly made his presence felt. The next day, which was Saturday, he stopped by and brought my car to me. He had installed a brand new radio with a DVD player to replace my worn out factory radio, that had a faulty volume control.
He had taken my mother’s clothes that were in the trunk to the dry cleaner’s.
And even though it was his 5-year-old son’s birthday and he had plans to spend the evening at a hotel water park, he had said he’d just cancel the party at 7pm so he could spend the rest of the evening with me. To that I protested and told him NOT to change his plans. His son should come first, ESPECIALLY on his birthday. We would spend time together after he finished whatever he needed to do. But for him to even want to do that, was so sweet.
He really was thoughtful. And I loved him for it. But…
Upon arriving home that first night, I wondered why the couch looked like it had been moved. So I asked him about it. He said he had moved it because it was too close to the wall.
Then, I noticed there was perfume on one of my bed pillows. Suspicious about it, I asked him who’s it was. It was mine, he told me. He had put a little on the pillow for me to have a nice scent.
He pointed out that instead of being happy about all he had done, I was looking for fault. I had annoyed him.
As the days progressed, I suppose I’ve had a lot of little complaints. When I came back to town, I was exhausted…and on my period. I just didn’t have any energy.
But I had a lot of complaints.
Eventually, we began to argue over any and everything. But all of it was a whole lot of nothing.
On this past Wednesday, he had had enough. He ended our relationship. He told me how since I had come back from my travels I had done nothing but complain. He was at his wit’s end, because I was supposedto come back from my travels refreshed and ready to really begin our relationship. He explained how he had so many other priorities pulling at him constantly, and all he wanted when he came to visit me was peace, and a little fun. But all I did was bring more stress to him.
In his talking, I really had no defense. I had no valid rebuttal. There was really nothing I could point to that would make him to blame. He had done EVERYTHING I’d wanted him to do. He had been everything I’d wanted in a man. And he had patiently waited for me to return, so that we could move in together, and get married. And have a child together. Even though he was planning to have a vasectomy when I’d first reconnected with him, he decided to wait, for my sake. He was willing to give me a child because he knew i wanted one, even though he was really done having kids.
But somewhere along the way, I forgot that this man had done all of this…for me!
He was the man I had prayed (so long ago) that God would return to my life. And God did! And this man wanted to answer all of my prayers (marriage, children, family). He was ready, willing and able to give me all of that.
But I drove him away. With my complaints. Something I’ve done so much of, as witnessed on this blog.
In addition to the weight loss, having him in my life was bringing much-needed fullness to it. But, I stopped that.
And now I sit here, dumbfounded…shocked…devastated.
How could I lose the man I’ve loved for so long, A SECOND TIME???
How could I not see what I was doing? Only to see it now that it’s too late?? I lost a great man. And I have no one to blame but myself.
Now, because of my complaining, because of my unhappiness, I have to live with the fact that I had the answer to my prayers and I let it slip through my hands, like sand.
How the hell do I ever forgive myself for THAT???
I didn’t realize just how bad my attitude had become. I guess years and years of loneliness, bitterness, resentment and disappointment in the world has caused me to be this way. And it’s been so long that it just became a part of my personality. I didn’t fully realize it. And because I didn’t, I lost the only man I can’t seem to stop loving. The depth of feeling that I have for him, I cannot describe. And I had him. He was mine…
I write this now, because this blog is supposed to be about living a redux life. I was supposed to have been getting back to my real and true self. I was supposed to have been working to renew my own spirit. But I guess I haven’t been doing a very good job of that. If I had, maybe I would have made some attitude adjustments before I lost someone so dear to me.
And knowing that I have no one to blame but myself, that’s a very hard pill to swallow.
I made a video also. I’m sharing it, but I made it for myself. I feel as though I’ve lost soooo much, at my own doing. Perhaps if I ever have the opportunity to fall in love again, I can come back and watch this video. Perhaps it will help me to never ever ever EVER EVER EVER take someone for granted again. Because the price is just too high.
I miss my love. I can’t imagine I’ll ever love anyone as much as I’ve loved him. But all I can do now is move forward…somehow.